ग्राहक (दूध वाले से)- तुम्हारी गाय कितना दूध देती है।
दूध वाला- 5 किलो.
ग्राहक- इस में से कितना बेच लेते हो?
दूध वाला- यही कोई 12 किलो।

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संता बाइक पर जा रहा था।
उसने रास्ते में खड़े बंता से पूछा आपको लिफ्ट चाहिये क्या।
बंता- नही हमारा घर तो ग्राउंड फ्लोर पर है।

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डॉक्टर के क्लीनिक के आगे लम्बी लाइन लगी थी, 1 आदमी बार-बार लाइन में घुसता था,
लोग उसे पीछे कर देते थे..
आदमी बोला- लगे रहो सालो, मैं भी क्लीनिक नही खोलूंगा।

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अध्यापक- भाई चारे का प्रयोग करते हुए कोई वाक्य बनाओ।
चिंटू- जब दूध वाले से पूछा की तुम दूध इतना महंगा क्यों बेचते हो तो वो बोला भाई चारा महंगा हो गया है।

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जज तुमने चोरी करते वक्त बीवी बच्चों के बारे में क्यों नही सोचा?
चोर- सोचा था मी लॉर्ड, पर दुकान में सिर्फ मैन्स वियर्स ही थे।

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1000 पन्नों की किताब कितने दिन में पढ़ी जा सकती है?
लेखक- 6 महीने में
डॉक्टर- 2 महीने में
वकील- 1 महीने में
इंजीनियर- पहले ये बताओं की परीक्षा कब है रातोंरात निपटा देंगे।

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टूरिस्ट (गाइड से)- इस किले में कोई भूत है क्या?
गाइड- मैं यहां इतने सालों से काम कर रहा हूं, आज तक नही देखा।
टूरिस्ट- कितने साल हुए?
गाइड- 300 साल....

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बंता (संता से)- आओ जी चैस खेलें।
संता (बंता से)- तू चल मैं स्पोर्टस शूज पहनकर आता हूं।

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संता (बंता से)- यार एक लड़की मुझे हंस कर देख रही है।
बंता (संता से)- अबे ध्यान से देख, हंस के देख रही है या देख कर हंस रही है।

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अध्यापक- जब बिजली चमकती है तो रोशनी पहले और आवाज बाद में क्यों आती है?
चिंटू- क्योंकि हमारी आंखें आगे और कान पीछे हैं।

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!

Love और Arrange Marriage में क्या फर्क है ?

Love Marriage में आप अपनी गर्ल फ्रेंड

से शादी करते हैं .

और

Arrange Marriage में

किसी और की गर्ल फ्रेंड से . :-)....

After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

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One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar:
Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!


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Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.


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When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver
adjusted the mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my
wife? Sit behind. I will drive.

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Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, it caught fire
and how will you escape?
Sardar: it is simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

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Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

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Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told her I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

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Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow !!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

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Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: B'coz it is Black & White

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Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

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Sardar in airplane going to Bombay .. While it is landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"

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Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...!!!

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Sardar: Miss, Did u call to my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".
(Had never thought of it)

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Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

एक भुलक्कड़ सरदार INTERVIEW देने जाता है !
INTERVIEWER : आपकी उम्र कितनी है ?
सरदार : (उंगलियों पर गिनने के बाद) २२ वर्ष जनाब !
INTERVIEWER (सरदार कि इस हरकत से हैरान होने के बाद ): और आपकी HEIGHT कितनी है ?
सरदार : (जेब से इंचटेप निकालकर नापने के बाद ) : 5 Feet 2 Inch.
INTERVIEWER का दिमाग खराब हो जाता है ! वो सोचता है कि इससे ऐसी चीज पूछता हूँ
जो यह सरदार नाप-तोल ना सके !
INTERVIEWER : अच्छा ठीक है, आपका नाम बताइये !
सरदार 15 सेकंड तक अपने सर को दांये-बांये हिलाता है और बोलता है : गुरप्रीत !
INTERVIEWER : (चोंकते हुवे ) : गुरप्रीत ये बताओ कि जब मैंने तुम्हारा नाम पूछा तब तुम अपना
सर दांये-बांये क्यों हिला रहे थे?
सरदार : सर मैं एक गाना याद कर रहा था : Happy Birth Day To You..Happy Birth Day To You..
Happy Birth Day Dear Gurpreet, Happy Birth Day To You..

दादा - बेटा अन्दर से मेरे दांत लाना !

पोता -पर दादू अभी रोटी नहीं बनी है

दादा - ओये रोटी को मार गोली, यार सामनेवाली बुड्ढी को Smile देनी है ..!

=====================================

गब्बर : ये हाथ हमको देदे ठाकुर !

ठाकुर : ठीक है , लेले . पर 1 शर्त है ...

वादा कर ...रोज़ पोट्टी धोने तू आएगा . .!!

=============================

एक टेक्सी ड्राईवर बहुत तेज़ ड्राइव कर रहा था !

पीछे बेठे हुवे साहिब बोले :

"ओ भाई अहिस्ता टाक्सी चलाओ मैं 12 बच्चो का बाप हूँ .

ड्राईवर :अपनी Speed देखी है ?

जो मेरी Speed पर ऐतराज़ कर रहे हो !

===================================

1 क्लास का बच्चा अपनी Miss से कहता है :

"मैं आप को कैसा लगता हूँ ?"

Miss : So sweet!

बच्चा : "तो फिर मैं अपनी अम्मी - अब्बू

को आप के घर कब भेजूं ?"

Miss : वो क्यों ?

बच्चा : "ताकि वो हमारी बात आगे चलाये" ,

Miss : ये क्या बकवास है ?

बच्चा : "ट्यूशन पढने के लिये ! "

एक फकीर भीख मांगने के लिये मस्जिद के बाहर बैठा रहा ...

सब नमाज़ी आँख बचा कर चले गए ...

उसे कुछ ना मिला ...

वो फिर चर्च गया , फिर मंदिर और फिर गुरूद्वारे ...

लेकिन उसको किसी ने कुछ ना दिया ...

आखिर एक मयखाने (बार / पब ) के बाहर आकर बैठ गया ...

जो शराबी निकलता उसके कटोरे में कुछ डाल देता ...

उसका कटोरा नोटों से भर गया ... फकीर बोला ,

"वाह मेरे खुदा ... !! रहते कहाँ हो , और Address कहाँ का देते हो ...."

पप्पू एक पार्टी में गया और वहाँ उसने 8 बटर-नान खा लिये !

कुछ देर बाद पप्पू टोइलेट में पेट पकड़ के रो रहा था भगवान से विनती कर रहा था कि..
"हे भगवान,या तो जान निकाल दे या नान निकाल दे !

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would?'
HUSBAND: .......?
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would she wear my shoes'
HUSBAND: 'No, her size is 6.'
WIFE: -- silence .......
HUSBAND: 'shit'.

पिंटू (चिंटू से)- ये कैसे पता चलेगा कि सामने जो जानवर है वह बकरा है या बकरी।
चिंटू (पिंटू से)- सिंपल है, उसको पत्थर मारना यदि वह भागा तो बकरा और भागी तो बकरी।

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एक औरत बड़ी हड़बड़ी में दंत चिकित्सक के क्लीनिक में पहुंची।
बोली- डॉक्टर साहब! मैं बहुत जल्दी में हूं। मुझे एक जरूरी मीटिंग में जाना है इसलिए एनस्थीसिया मत लगाइये और जल्दी से दांत बाहर निकाल दीजिये।
डॉक्टर ने मन ही मन कहा- कमाल की औरत है! फिर उस औरत से बोला- ठीक है, जैसी आपकी मर्जी। इस कुर्सी पर बैठ जाइये और बताइये कौन से दांत में दर्द है।
औरत ने दरवाजे के पास खड़े अपने पति को आवाज दी- चलो! डॉक्टर साहब को दांत दिखाओ।

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एक दंपत्ति अपनी शादी की चालीसवीं वर्षगांठ मना रहे थे। संयोग से उस दिन पत्नी का साठवां जन्मदिन भी था। उस रात उनके घर में एक परी प्रकट हुई। उसने उन दोनों से कहा कि वे दोनों इतने लम्बे समय से बड़े प्यार से रह रहे हैं जिससे वह बहुत खुश है। परी ने कहा कि वे उससे एक-एक वरदान मांग सकते हैं।
पत्नी, जो कि अपने पति से बेइंतहा प्यार करती थी, ने परी से कहा कि वह अपने पति के साथ दुनिया की सारी मनोरम जगहों की सैर करना चाहती है, पर उसके पास इतने पैसे नहीं है। परी ने अपनी छड़ी घुमाई और पत्नी के हाथ में हवाई जहाज के टिकटों से भरा लिफाफा आ गया।
अब मांगने की बारी पति की थी।
उसने एक मिनट सोचा फिर बोला- ईमानदारी से कहूं, तो मैं अपने लिए अपने से 30 साल छोटी पत्नी चाहता हूं।
परी ने अपनी छड़ी घुमाई और....।
पति महोदय तुरंत 90 साल के हो गये।

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भिखारी- कुछ खाने को दो बाबा..
रामू- टमाटर खाओ।
भिखारी- रोटी दे दो बाबा..
रामू- टमाटर खाओ..
भिखारी- तो टमाटर ही दे दो।
रामू के पड़ोसी ने कहा ये तोतले हैं, कह रहे हैं कमाकर खाओ।

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रामू की अम्मा मर गयी 1 आदमी रोते हुए बोला अम्मा मुझे भी साथ ले जाती..2-4 लोग और बोले अम्मा हमें भी साथ ले जाती।
रामू- सब चुप हो जाओ..अम्मा क्या टाटा सूमो करके गयी है।

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अध्यापक (चिंटू से)- बिजली कहां से आती है?
चिंटू (अध्यापक से)- मामा के घर से
अध्यापक- वो कैसे?
चिंटू- क्योंकि जब भी बिजली जाती है पापा कहते है सालों ने फिर काट दी!

Sardar declares:
.... . . I will never marry in my life &. . .
.. . . I'll give same advice to my children also. . . ..

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A donkey kicked a Sardar & ran away
Sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit
pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.



$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it
was 300ml now it's 2 ltr.


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Santa went to Mysore palace.
Tourist guide - Santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair
Santa - Oye dont worry yaar i'll get up when he comes.!!..


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Sardar wanted to make a STD call to punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call..


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

One tourist from U.S.A.asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: No sir, only small babies!!!


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.



$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1st Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1st Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Sardar 1: I'm very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone & saved 1/2 money.
Sardar 2: You R nothing I saved all my money, my friend was going & I sent my wife with him.


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and says, "chal", it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal....." Finally he wrote the conclusion.......
..... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"


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A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....


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A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating.......


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A scene from Kohn Benega Crorepati....
Amitabh : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : Liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitabh stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS......


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Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ...
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India


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2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.



$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.



$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken..
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?


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Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

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NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup....

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Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

1. What is height of Fashion?

Dhoti with a zip

************ ********* ********* *********

2. What is height of Secrecy?

Offering blank visiting cards.

************ ********* ********* *********

3. What is height of Activelaziness?

Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

************ ********* ********* *********

4. What is height of Laziness?

Adopting a child.

************ ********* ********* *********

5. What is height of Craziness?

Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

************ ********* ********* *********

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?

Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you Saw Him / her Last.

************ ********* ********* *********

7. What is height of Stupidity?

A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

************ ********* ********* *********

8. What is height of Honesty?

A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

************ ********* ********* *********

9. What is height of Suicide?

A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

************ ********* ********* *********

10. What is height of De-hydration?

A cow giving milk powder.

टीचर (स्टुडेंट से ) :तुम्हारी जाति क्या है ?
असलम (स्टुडेंट) : पहले तो हम पंडित थे ,
फिर राजपूत हुए ,
फिर बनिया हो गए ,
अभी है दरजी ,
और आगे अम्मी की मर्ज़ी !

कस्टमर :- मेरी चाय में मक्खी डूब कर मरी पड़ी है !
ढाबा मालिक संता :- तो क्या करू , ढाबा चलाऊ या उन्हें तैरना सिखाऊ ? ?

Santa : Why did the man put his radio in his refrigerator?
Bunta : I give up.
Santa : Stupid, because he wanted to hear cool music

###########################################

Jasmeet : "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband Santa."
Judge : "But why ?"
Jasmeet : "Because he is not faithful to me."
Judge : "How do you know ?"
Jasmeet : "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

###########################################


From his death bed, Santa called his wife Jasmeet and said, "One month after I die
I want you to marry Banta."
Jasmeet : "Bunta ! But he is your enemy !"
Santa : "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

###########################################

Bunta : I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife Preeto
that I'd be home tonight, and when I got into my room I found
Preeto in another man's arms.
Santa : kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, she didn't
get the fax."

###########################################

Santa : "When we were first married, I would come home from the office,
Jasmeet would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run
around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings
the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
Bunta : "Why complain?, You're still getting the same service!"

###########################################

Preeto : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at
me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever
said anything bad about him?"

###########################################

Jasmeet drew Santa's attention to the couple next door and said,
"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
Santa : "I would love to, "But I don't know her well enough...
may be you could introduce us..!

###########################################

Santa : "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children
and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
Bunta : "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
Santa : "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and
none of them dares to answer back.

###########################################

Jasmeet : My husband always comes home late, no matter how I try.
Preeto : "Take my advice, and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning,
and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jaspal?"
And that cured him.
Jasmeet : "Cured him !... But how?"
Preeto : "You know, his name is Banta."

###########################################

Santa : "You looked troubled, what's your problem?"
Bunta : "I'm going to be a father."
Santa : "But that's wonderful,"
Bunta : "What's wonderful? My wife Preeto doesn't know about it yet.

###########################################

Jasmeet : If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Santa : That you are a lesbian.

###########################################

Bunta : "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
Santa : "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"

###########################################

Santa to Jasmeet on their wedding night- "
Santa : "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with ?"
Jasmeet : "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"

###########################################

It was mealtime on Punjab Airline .
Air Hostess : "Would you like dinner?"
Bunta : "What are my choices?"
Air Hostess : "Yes or no,"

###########################################

Jasmeet : You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?
Santa : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Jasmeet : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Santa : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

###########################################

Santa : "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
Jasmeet : "Honey, I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

###########################################

Jasmeet : "What do you like most in me: my pretty face or my body?"
Santa : looking at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of Humor.

###########################################

Santa went to a STD/ISD/PCO SHOP and slapped the operator twice.
Guess why ?
because there it was written "Number Dial Karne Se Pehele Do Lagae"

###########################################

Santa was driving with girlfriend Preeto to Chandigarh.
He puts his hand on her lap.
She smiles and says, "You can go further dear..".
So, Santa drives to SHIMLA.

जसमीत कौर : "जज साहब , मैं अपने पति संता को तलाक देना चाहती हूँ !
जज : "लेकिन क्यों ?"
जसमीत कौर : "क्युकी वो मुझसे वफादार नहीं है !"
जज : "ये तुम कैसे जानती हो?"
जसमीत कौर : "जज साहब , एक भी बच्चे की शकल उससे नहीं मिलती है !"

टीचर : क्या सबसे ज्यादा महत्वपूर्ण है ? सूरज या चाँद ?
चतरभुज मीणा : मास्टर जी, चाँद !!
टीचर : वो क्यों ?
चतरभुज मीणा : चाँद हमें रात में रौशनी देता है जब हमें रौशनी की जरुरत होती है.. जबकि सूरज
हमें दिन में रौशनी देता है जब हमें रौशनी की जरुरत नहीं होती !

टीचर ( स्टुडेंट से ) : कल तुम स्कूल क्यूँ नहीं आये ?

स्टुडेंट : मास्टर जी ,हमारी भैंस ने बछड़ा दिया था !

टीचर : तो इसमें क्या बड़ी बात है ?

स्टुडेंट : बड़ी बात नहीं है तो तू देके दिखा ..???? हाहाहा

संता : वो लड़की कितनी सुन्दर है !
बंता : मुझे उसका नाम पता है !
संता : क्या नाम है उसका ?
बंता : वो बैंक में काम करती है ,
उसके काउंटर के ऊपर उसका नाम लिखा था "चालू खाता "

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संता की शादी एक नर्स से हो गयी !
बंता : और संता , कैसी निभ रही है ?
संता : पूछ मत यार , जब तक सिस्टर ना कहो , बोलती ही नहीं !


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बंता : यह चाकू क्यों उबाल रहे हो ?
संता : सुसाईड करने के लिए !
बंता : तो फिर उबालने की क्या ज़रुरत है ?
संता : कहीं इन्फेक्शन ना हो जाए !


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Girl: Will u marry me?
संता : नो , हमारे यहाँ शादी सिर्फ RELATIVES में ही होती है ...
मम्मी ने पापा से , दीदी ने जीजाजी से और भैया ने भाभी से शादी की !


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बंता पेड़ पे चढा तो ऊपर बैठे बन्दर ने पुछा : ऊपर क्यों आया है ?
बंता : Apple खाने !
बन्दर : ये तो आम का पेड़ है !
बंता : पता है , Apple साथ लाया हूँ !

चिंटू ने अपनी पत्नी पिंकी से पूछा - "पिंकी डार्लिंग मेरे रिश्तेदारों में तुम किसे सबसे ज्यादा चाहती हो ?"

पिंकी - "तुम्हारी सास को ."

A very shy young man (KhatriJi) goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice :

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TEN THOUSAND RUPEES FOR ONE NIGHT? THATS TOO MUCH!"

A Pakistani soldier ran up to a Lady in Burkha. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The lady agreed.

A moment later two Military Police from IRAQ ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The lady replied, 'He went that way.'

After the Military people ran off, the Pakistani soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq..'

The lady in burkha said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The lady replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls as well.... I don't want to go to Iraq either.!!

Brad Pitt and Vidya Balan get married
After marriage, lots of students gather at their home ..... why ???

...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
because her name becomes Vidya Pitt (vidyapeeth)

*************************************************************

rahul gandhi --> mom, aapaki wajah se meri shaadi nahi ho paaa rahi......... ......... ......... ......... ......

sonia gandhi --> kyun beta???????? ????????

rahul gandhi --> har taraf to likha hai ki sonia ko bahumat do


*************************************************************

BRUCE LEE was a great man

But after his sister gave birth to a baby he became an ordinary man...

why?

Because he became

MAMU LEE!


*************************************************************

santa and banta r discussing-- -------
santa----- "if i drink coffee, i ca'nt sleep!!!!"
Banta----- "with me it's the opposite.if i sleep i can't drink coffee."



*************************************************************

One day Ravan went to a disco....... ......... ......... ..

aur wahan jaakar woh behosh ho gaya ............ .......

kyun???????? ????????? ??

kyun???????? ??????
..
..
..
..
bcoz it was written on the gate that "entry fee Rs.1500 per head"

*************************************************************

who made Ganesh to Anesh...????

ThinK......


Think......


okay.....

" KAILASH KHER "

tere naam se " G " loon....


*************************************************************

Ek din ek aadmi apne naukar ko Priya Gold biscuit laane bolta hai. To
naukar biscuit laane Pakistan jaata hai.
Kyon??????


Think....... ......


Give up??


Coz...
"Priya Gold biscuit. Haq se maango.."

*************************************************************

Ek nadi thi......
uske upar ek pull bana hua tha.....
pull par bahut saari ladkiyan khadi thi......
sab ki sab ek hi ladke ki deewani thi.....
Guess who was the lucky guy??????
.........
........
..........

Keep Guessing.... ..
........
........
........

Chalo yaar....the answer is


"KISNA"
Jo hai albela mad naino wala...
jiski diwani BRIDGE ki har bala.....
woh kisna hai


*************************************************************

if a CAT crosses ur way,

when u are going some where,

then what does it mean????????


?????????

?????????

?????????

?

?

?

it means that the Cat is also going somewhere.

*************************************************************

AND FINALLY THE LAST ONE

*************************************************************


Why are Indian husbands called "MADE OF SILVER"

And

Why are American husbands called "MADE OF GOLD"


Socho

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Thoda sur Socho

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Socho Socho....

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Nahi Aata
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Bcoz

Indian wives call their husband "A g" ( Scientific Symbol for Silver)

American wives call their husband "A u" ( Scientific Symbol for Gold)

Interviewer: What is skeleton?
Santa: Skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it....!!!

************************************************************


जेलर : तुम्हे कल सुबह 5 बजे फाँसी दी जायेगी !
सरदार : हा हा हा हा !
जेलर : क्यों हँस रहे हो ?
सरदार : मैं तो उठता ही सुबह 9 बजे हूँ !

************************************************************

Teacher: Translate - बाज़ार में गोलियां चल रही हैं !
संता : The Tablets are walking in the market..

************************************************************

Santa's girfriend: मेरी माँ आपको बहुत पसंद करती है !
Santa, after a deep thought: कुछ भी हो जाये , शादी तो मैं तुझसे ही करूँगा !

************************************************************

Shopkeeper: This sweater's made of pure virgin wool sir.
Santa: You see I am not interested in the morals of the sheep. Just tell me, will it keep me warm?


************************************************************

संता : Why has the Govt. fixed voting age 18yrs & marriage age 21yrs?
बंता : Govt. को पता है की देश संभालना आसान है , लेकिन बीवी को नहीं .

************************************************************

संता बड़ा दुखी था , किसी ने पूछा इतनी टेंशन में क्यों हो ?
संता : एक दोस्त को 3 लाख प्लास्टिक सर्जरी के लिए दिए थे, अब उसे पहचान नहीं पा रहा हूँ !


************************************************************

Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver u this packet.
Santa: Why did u come so far. Instead U could have posted it.

************************************************************

Why did Santa sleep with a scale?
Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept.

************************************************************

ड्राईवर : सर जी , पेट्रोल ख़तम हो गया , गाडी आगे नहीं जा सकती .
बंता :-चलो फिर , वापिस ले चलो ..

************************************************************

संता : वो देख तेरी बीवी को सांप काट रहा है !
बंता : अरे टेंशन मत ले , जहर भरवाने आया होगा ...

************************************************************

Santa bought a car on loan.... He didn't pay the dues, the bank took away his car.
Santa: If I knew this, I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also!

A Lady Teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked,'Boy. What is your problem?'

Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'

Madam took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his Questions he had to go back to the first-grade. Madam agreed.

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.'

Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions'.

'Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.

Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?
Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'

Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

Boy.: 'Pockets.'

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer..

Boy.: Shake hands

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Fire truck

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, likes pumping, and is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

'Send this Boy to 10th Grade'

हवलदार - जेल से बाहर निकलके तुम क्या करोगे ?
चोर - अब मैं गहनों की दूकान खोलूँगा !
हवलदार - लेकिन उसके लिए तो बहुत पैसे चाहिए होंगे ?
चोर - नहीं भाई, सिर्फ छेनी और हथोडा चाहिए !

रावण : सिगरेट है क्या ?
हनुमान : नहीं !
राम : 1 पैकेट है ना तेरे पास !
हनुमान : चुप रहिये प्रभु , साले के 10 सर है पूरा पैकेट ख़त्म हो जायेगा !

एक मछ्छर का बच्चा था ! माँ ने उससे कहा - बच्चा अब तुझे उड़ना आ गया है .. जा अब तू खुद बा खुद उड़ना शुरू कर दे समझा !

मछ्छर का वो बच्चा पहली बार स्वयं उड़ कर एक छोटा सा चक्कर लगा आया !

जब लौटा , सब बेसब्री से उसका इन्तेजार कर ही रहे थे ! सबने मिलकर पूछा : क्यों रे चिंटू , कैसी रही तेरी पहली उडान ?

बच्चा छाती फुला कर बोला - SUPERB.....मैं जहां जहां से गुजरा लोग तालियाँ ही बजाते रहे !

बेटा : पापा मेरी दूर की नज़र कमज़ोर हो गयी है मुझे एक चश्मा ला दो !
कंजूस बाप बेटे को बाहर ले कर आया और बोला : वो क्या है बेटा?
बेटा : सूरज !
बाप : और कितना दूर देखेगा कुत्ते

1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that

2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!

3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...

4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true

5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.

6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..

7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.

8. Theory of relativity.. ....

The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...

9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)

Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1

Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)

10. the day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-

1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3.Have a bad hair day

11. all the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck.

12. the more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u

13. the love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.

Once a girl is quite fantasized about "69". She has a regular

boyfriend they

have never done it before.

One day she invites her boyfriend to her apartment for romantic

dinner.



After heavy dinner, she tells him that she wants to do "69".

But the Boyfriend doesn't have any idea about what is 69.

Girlfriend gets upset but thinks that she can teach him how to do

69.

she asks him to lay down...and she then lays on top of him in

reverse direction so as in 69.

The boyfriend is confused but is eager to know about 69. so he does

as

the

GF tells him to do.



they lay down in this position for about 2 min. she is thinking

that He

will, by the time, get excited by this.

but suddenly the GF has to let go one Fart...directly on her BF's

face.

GF quickly apologizes and asks him to stay in that position for

some

more

time.



after 1 min she has to let go one another fart....this time bigger

than



the

previous.

The BF quickly throws her away, gets up, starts dressing up and

yells

at

her..





"If you think I am gonna take 67 more like this, you are MAD"

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.


"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."


"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"


The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."

Santa selling parachute, tells the customer "jump from plane n press button & you can land safely."

CUSTOMER: if it doesn't open????

SARDAR : PAISA WAPAS.......

**********

santa is walking along the road. He sees a banana peel. What does he think??

"UFF, Aj phir girna padega!!"


Then next day he is walking along the road, he sees two banana peels. What does he think??????? ?

"Ispe se giru, ya uspe se????"

Then the day after that he sees a lot of banana peels on the road. So he calls home and tells his wife..

"AAj ghar late aaoonga!!"

**********

After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.

Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.

When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.

Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.

Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

**********

Bush: Impossible does not come in my dictionary.. .

Santa: Phir dictionary dhek ke kharidni chahiye thi na. .

**********

ekbar light gai hui thi.

SANTA : arre Banta bahuat garmi ho rahi hai, zara pankha lagana..

BANTA : kardi na sardaronwali baat!! pankha lagaya to moombatti bujh na jayegi??

**********

Customer: Is mirror ki guarantee kya hai?

Santa : It is 99% safe.! 100 feet se fenkoge to 99 feet tak kuchh nahi hoga"!

**********

Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?

Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.

Teacher : Spell it?

Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

**********

Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"

Banta : How do you know??

Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have come again..

**********

Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.

Police : How the theif did not take TV???

Santa : I was watching TV na....

**********

Thought for the Day!!!

If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?

Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM

**********

When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?

Answer : On their Wedding !!

**********

Whats the height of Intelligence?

Answer : A 99 year old Santa going for HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme ..

एक आदमी ने अपने घर फोन किया तो उधर से एक अनजान महिला की आवाज आई।
''कौन ?'' - आदमी ने पूछा।
''मैं घर की नौकरानी बोल रही हूं ।'' - महिला ने उत्तर दिया।
''लेकिन हमारे घर में तो कोई नौकरानी नहीं है।'' - आदमी ने कहा।
''मुझे घर की मालकिन ने आज सुबह ही नौकरी पर रखा है ।'' नौकरानी ने जवाब दिया।
''अच्छा ठीक है, सुनो। इस वक्त तुम्हारी मालकिन कहां हैं ? मुझे उनसे बात करनी है।'' - आदमी ने कहा ।
''वह तो बेडरूम में हैं। अपने पति के साथ।'' - नौकरानी ने जवाब दिया।
''क्याऽऽऽ... ? पति के साथ...... ? पर उसका पति तो मैं हूं ........ '' - आदमी गुस्से से भन्ना गया। उसने एक मिनट कुछ सोचा फिर बोला - ''हैलो ..... सुनो क्या तुम पचास हजार रूपये कमाना चाहोगी?''
''हां... । पर मुझे करना क्या होगा ?'' - नौकरानी ने पूछा ।
''तुम मेरी अलमारी से बंदूक निकालो और उस कुतिया और उसके साथ जो आदमी है उसे गोली से उड़ा दो।''
नौकरानी ने फोन नीचे रख दिया। आदमी ने पहले कदमों की और फिर दो गोलियां चलने की आवाज फोन पर सुनी।
नौकरानी ने वापस फोन उठाया और पूछा - ''अब इन लाशों का क्या करूं ?''
''उन्हें स्वीमिंग पूल में डाल दो।'' - आदमी ने कहा ।
''पर आपके घर में तो स्वीमिंग पूल नहीं है।'' - नौकरानी ने जवाब दिया।
लगभग तीन चार मिनट तक दोनों तरफ खामोशी छाई रही फिर आदमी की आवाज आई - ''क्या ये नम्बर 2234595 ही है ?''

SuN: Dear Moon!!!!!! Why dont you come and meet me in daytime??

MooN: Srry...Sir.. ...I've dark circles and sunscreen lotion is not available here!!!!

Santa : What is the difference between Orange and Apple?
Banta : Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.

**********************************************************

SANTA bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book
& wrote - 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'.

**********************************************************


SANTA : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
BANTA : Really, what is he studying?
SANTA : No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.


**********************************************************

SANTA : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
SANTA : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game.


**********************************************************

How do you recognize SADARJI in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

**********************************************************

SADARJI comes back to his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for the compliment.'

**********************************************************

SADARJI in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

**********************************************************

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 from your mobile to know current bill status.
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.


**********************************************************

SANTA: I think that girl is deaf..
BANTA: How do you know?
SANTA: I told I Love her, but she said her Sandals are new.

**********************************************************

BANTA : I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar : Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!


**********************************************************

Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White.

**********************************************************


Judge: Don't U have shame? It is the 3rd time you are coming to court..
Sardar to judge: You are coming daily to court, don't you have shame?


**********************************************************

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do you know MS Office?
Sardar: If you give me the address I will go there sir.


**********************************************************

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA, RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...!!!

**********************************************************

Sardar: Miss, you called to my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".
(Had never thought of it)

**********************************************************
संता का बेटा पप्पू एक बार अपने दोस्तों के साथ क्रिकेट खेल कर आया !

संता ने पूछा , "कितने रन बनाये तुमने ?"

पप्पू बोला , " सेंचुरी होने में सिर्फ 100 रून्स बाकी रह गए थे , की इतने में मैं आउट हो गया ...."

डॉक्टर : अब तबियत कैसी है ?
मरीज : पहले से ज्यादा खराब !
डॉक्टर : दवाई खा ली थी क्या ?
मरीज : नहीं, दवा की शीशी तो भरी हुई थी !
डॉक्टर : मेरा कहने का मतलब ये है कि दवाई ले ली थी क्या ?
मरीज : जी आपने दी थी तो मैंने ले ली थी !
डॉक्टर : बेवकूफ, दवाई पी ली थी क्या ?
मरीज : नहीं, दवाई तो लाल थी !
डॉक्टर : अबे गधे, दवाई को पी लिया था क्या?
मरीज : नहीं साहब, पीलिया तो मुझे था !
डॉक्टर : अरे साले, दवा को मुंह से लगाके पेट में डाला था क्या?
मरीज : नहीं
डॉक्टर : क्यों ?
मरीज : आपने ही तो कहा था कि शीशी को ढक्कन लगाके रखना !

************************************************************

एक डॉक्टर महिला रोगी के कमरे में गया और थोड़ी देर में बाहर आकर कैंची मांगी।
पांच मिनट बाद फिर लौटा और पेचकस लेकर अंदर गया।

कुछ देर बाद फिर लौटा और हथोड़ा लेकर जैसे ही जाने लगा तो महिला के पति ने पूछा आखिर उसे रोग क्या है।

डॉक्टर (व्यक्ति से)- पता नहीं अभी तो मैं मेरा बैग ही नहीं खोल पा रहा हूं।

************************************************************

मरीज- डॉक्टर, ये फूलों की माला किसके लिए है?

डॉक्टर- ये मेरा पहला ऑपरेशन है, सफल हुआ तो मेरे लिए, नही तो तुम्हारे लिए।

एक आदमी यूनिवर्सिटी के चौकीदार से- ये यूनीवर्सिटी कैसी है..?

चौकीदार- जबरदस्त...! मैंने एम.बी.ए. यहीं किया और फौरन नौकरी भी मिल गयी...।


************************************************************

ज्योतिष (चिंटू का हाथ देखकर)- बेटा तुम बहुत पढ़ोगे।

चिंटू के पिताजी (ज्योतिष से)- पढ़ तो ये तीन साल से रहा है, ये तो बताइये की पास कब होगा।

************************************************************

एक दुकान के बाहर लिखा था: 'इन्सानों की तरह बात करने वाला कुत्ता बिकाऊ है.'

एक आदमी दुकानदार से जाकर बोला: 'मैं उस कुत्ते को देखना चाहता हूं...' दुकानदार ने कहा: 'साथ के कमरे में बैठा है, जा कर मिल लो।'

ग्राहक उस कमरे में गया। कुर्सी पर एक हट्टा-कट्टा कुत्ता बैठा था. पूछा: 'क्यों भई, तुम यहां क्या कर रहे हो?'

कुत्ते ने बताया: 'कर तो मैं बहुत कुछ सकता हूं, लेकिन आजकल इस दुकान की रखवाली करता हूं. इससे पहले अमेरिका के जासूसी महकमे में काम करता था और कई खूंखार आतंकवादियों को पकड़वाया... फिर मैं इंग्लैंड चला गया जहां पुलिस के लिए मुखबरी करता था. एक साल बाद यहां आ गया.'

उस आदमी ने दुकानदार से पूछा: 'इतने गुणवान कुत्ते को आप बेचना क्यों चाहते हैं?'

'अव्वल नम्बर का झूठा है...' जवाब मिला.

************************************************************

टाइटॅनिक डूब रहा था. इतने में एक अंग्रेज़ ने संता से पूछाः ज़मीन कितनी दूरी पर है?
संता ने कहाः सिर्फ दो किलोमीटर...
इतना सुनते ही अंग्रेज़ ने पानी में छलांग लगा दी और पूछाः किस दिशा की ओर?
संता: नीचे की ओर!
************************************************************

वार्डन : अगर कोई लड़का गर्ल्स हॉस्टल में गया तो फर्स्ट टाइम 100 रुपये फाइन, सेकेन्ड टाइम 200 रुपये फाइन और थर्ड टाइम 500 रुपये फाइन...
मुन्ना भाई :बोले तो मंथली पास का क्या लेगा मामू!!
************************************************************
बंता: परेशान लग रहे हो? क्या हुआ?
संता: मैं बाप बनने वाला हूँ
बंता: पर यह तो अच्छा है...
संता: इसमे अच्छा क्या है? मेरी बीबी को अभी तक नही पता है!

************************************************************

संता: यार, मैं अपनी गर्ल फ्रेंड नु गिफ्ट देना है की देवाँ ??
बंता: गोल्ड रिंग दे दे
संता: नै यार, मैंनू कोई बड़ी चीज़ देना है..
बंता: MRF दा टायर दे दे...
************************************************************
मुन्नाभाई और सर्किट नरक में पहुंचे। वहां यमदूत ने उनका स्वागत किया और नरक की सैर कराई। यमदूत ने बताया कि यहां तीन तरह के नरक-कक्ष है और उसे अपनी पसन्द का कक्ष चुनने की आजादी है।

पहला कक्ष आग की लपटों और गर्म हवाओं से इस कदर भरा हुआ था कि वहां सांस लेना भी दूभर था। मुन्नाभाई ने कहाः ओए सर्किट! यहां रहकर तो अपुन की हालत खराब हो जाएगी... चल कोई दूसरा रूम देखते हैं...

यमदूत उन्हें दूसरे नरक कक्ष में ले गया। यह कक्ष सैंकड़ों आदमियों से भरा हुआ था। वहां बेहद गर्मी थी और धुआं फैला हुआ था। चारों ओर चीखपुकार का माहौल था। मुन्नाभाई और सर्किट यह सब देखकर घबरा गए और उन्होंने यमदूत से कोई और कक्ष दिखाने की प्रार्थना की।

तीसरा और अंतिम कक्ष ऐसे लोगों से भरा हुआ था जो बस आराम कर रहे थे और कॉफी पी रहे थे। यहां अन्य दो कक्षों जैसी कष्टदायक कोई बात नहीं दिखी। मुन्नाभाई ने कहाः अबे सर्किट! यह रूम अपुन के हाथ से नहीं निकलना चाहिए... इस यमदूत को पटा, फटाफट इसी रूम का नंबर लगा लेते हैं!!

यमदूत ने दोनों उसी कक्ष में छोड़ा और चला गया। मुन्नाभाई और सर्किट ने एक-एक कॉफी ली और आराम से एक तरफ बैठ गए।

कुछ मिनटों बाद लाउडस्पीकर पर एक आवाज गूंजीः ब्रेक टाइम खत्म हुआ। अब फिर से दस हजार घूंसे खाने के लिये तैयार हो जाओ!
************************************************************
संताः तुम कौन हो?
बीवीः तुम अपनी बीवी को भूल गए तुम्हारी हिम्मत कैसे हुई?
संताः नशा हर ग़म को भुला देता है..
************************************************************

बंताः अरे संता तुम अपने आटो रिक्शा से एक पहिया निकाल क्यों रहे हो?
संताः वह बोर्ड नहीं देखा...
...लिखा है यहां सिर्फ टू-व्हीलर ही पार्क कर सकते हैं।
************************************************************
संता : चूहे को अगर बिल्ली से प्यार हो जाएगा , तो वह कैसे प्रपोज करेगा?
बंता : बहुत आसान...

...चूहा कहेगा-बिल्लो रानी , कहो तो अभी जान दे दूं।
************************************************************
संताः रातफिल्ममें एक चुड़ैल कभी मेरे आगे तो कभी मेरे पीछे घूम रही थी...
जीतोः कौन सी फिल्म थी?

संताः अपनी शादी की वीडियो थी...

************************************************************

संताः आई लव यू.. (और इसके बाद वह धड़ाम से गिर पड़ा...)
लड़कीः ये क्या कर रहे हो?

संताः आई एम फॉलिंग इन लव....

************************************************************

संताः डाक्टर साहब, मैं चश्मा लगाकर पढ़ तो सकुंगा न??
डाक्टरः हां, हां बिल्कुल...

संताः तब तो ठीक है, वर्ना अनपढ़ आदमी की जिंदगी भी कोई जिंदगी है...!
************************************************************
पति ने पत्नी से कहाः मेरा फोन आये तो कहना में घर पर नहीं हूँ।
अचानक फोन की घंटी बजी...
पत्नी ने फोन उठाकर कहाः वो अभी घर पर हैं।
पत्नी के फोन रखते ही पति खीजते हुए बोलाः तुमसे मना किया था फिर भी क्यों बताया कि मैं घर पर हूँ?

पत्नी बोली: आपने अपने फोन के लिए मना किया था, वह फोन तो मेरे लिए आया था।
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पति (पत्नी से): जब मैं सूट पहनकर सब्जी लेने जाता हूं, तो दुकानदार मुझे सब्जी महंगी देता है...
जब मैं मैला कुर्ता-पाजामा पहनकर जाता हूं तो सब्जी सस्ती मिलती है।

पत्नी: तब तो तुम हाथ में कटोरा लेकर जाया करो सब्जी मुफ्त में मिल जाया करेगी...
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बॉस ग़ुस्से में: तुमने कभी उल्लू देखा है?
कर्मचारी (सर झुकाते हुए): नहीं सर .
बॉस: नीचे क्या देख रहे हो ? मेरी तरफ देखो.
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अक्षय कुमार(HERO) की पत्नी मायके गई हुई थी. मौका अच्छा देखकर अक्षय अपनी पुरानी प्रेमिका को घर ले आये. नौकर ने उन्हें प्रेमिका के साथ देख लिया.
अक्षय ने नौकर को बुलाया और पचास रुपये देते हुए बोलेः यह लो पचास रुपए और मेमसाहब को मेरी प्रेमिका के बारे में कुछ भी न बताना.
नौकर बोलाः साहब, पचास रुपए तो कम हैं. मेमसाहब तो ऐसे काम के कम से कम सौ रुपए देती है.
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1. Apni Biwi ko apni 100% kamai dene se 10% Sukh milta hai.
Kisi doosri ko apni kamai ka 10% dene pe 100% sukh milta hai
... Paisa apka ... Faisla apka ...


2. "Funny but true fact !!A woman worries about her future till she
gets a husband, A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife
!! ..What do u say?


3. A Man before marriage is - Superman. After Marriage - Gentleman. 5
Years Later - Watchman. 10 Years later - Apne Hi Jaal Mein fasaa hua
Spiderman.


4. Life me hamesha Haste raho,muskrate raho, gaate raho, gungunate
raho... taki tumhe dekh kar hi log samaj jaye k tum... "UNMARRIED" ho.


5. Wife:1 baat bolu par mujhe maarna nahi
Hsbnd:Bolo
Wife:Mai Pregnant hu
Hsbnd:Its Gud news,dar kyo rahi thi
Wife:Shadi ke pehle papa ko bataya tha, badi maar pari thi.


6. Wife- agar main kho gayi to tum kya karoge?
Husband - main TV aur newspaper mein Ad dunga ki jaha kahin bhi ho.....
KHUSH RAHO


7. Wife-Shadi ki raat tum ne jab mera ghunghat uthaya to kaisi lagti
thi..
Husband-Mai to mar hi jata agar mujhe hanuman chalisa na yaad hoti..!!


8. Wife: main tumhari yaad mein 2O din mein hi aadhi ho gayi hoon,
mujhe lene kab aa rahe ho? HUSBAND: 2O din aur ruk jaao.

9. Husband to Hotel Manager: "Jaldi chalo! meri biwi khidki se kud kar
jaan dena chahti hai"
Manager: "What can I do?
Husband"Kamine, khidki nahi khul rahi hai."


12. Every person is a FREEDOM FIGHTER ........
Immediately after Marriage !!
JAI HIND!!


13. Telling a lie is a
fault for a little boy,
an art for a lover,
an accomplishment for a bachelor and
a Matter of Survival for a married man.
Gud Luck!


14. Woh kahte hain ki hamari biwi swarg ki Apsara hai,
hum ne kaha khushnaseeb ho bhai,
hamari to abhi Jinda hai...
ha ha ha

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Boss - Brainless

Our Salary - Very less

Gujarati, a Madrasi and a sardaar were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were having lunch. As Gujju opened his lunch box he angrily said, "Dhokla! If I get dhokla one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Madrasi opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Idli Sambhar... again! If I get idli sambhar one more time I'm going to jump off too."

The sardaar opened his lunch and shouted with anger, "Parontha again! If I get a parontha one more time, I'm jumping too."


The next day, the Gujju opened his lunch box, saw dhokla, and jumped to his death.

The Madrasi opened his lunch, saw idli sambhar, and jumped, too.

The sardaar opened his lunch, saw the parontha and jumped to his death as well.


At the funeral, Gujju's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Madrasi's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him dossa! I didn't realize he hated idli sambhar so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the sardaar's wife.






..
.
..
.
.
..

The sardaar's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Have a nice day!..................Achcha din lo!

What's up?..................Uppar kya hai?

You're kidding!..................Tum bachcha bana rahe ho!

Don't kid me!..................Mera bachcha mut banaao!

Yo, baby! What's up?..................Beti Yo, uppar kya hai?

Cool man!..................Thandaa aadmi!

Don't mess with me, dude..................Mere saath gandagee mat karo, e vyakti.

She's so fine!..................Woh itnee baareek hai!

Listen buddy, that chick's mine, okay!?..................Suno dost, woh choozaa mera hai, theek?

Are you nuts?..................Kya aap akhrot hain?

And the best ones are:

How do you do?..................Kaise karte ho?

General Body Meeting..................Saamanya Shaaririk Milan

Keep in touch..................Chhoote Raho...

That's How Maths is Done

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,

"Two plus five, the son of bitch is seven.

Three plus six, the son of bitch is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.