संता : वो लड़की कितनी सुन्दर है !
बंता : मुझे उसका नाम पता है !
संता : क्या नाम है उसका ?
बंता : वो बैंक में काम करती है ,
उसके काउंटर के ऊपर उसका नाम लिखा था "चालू खाता "

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संता की शादी एक नर्स से हो गयी !
बंता : और संता , कैसी निभ रही है ?
संता : पूछ मत यार , जब तक सिस्टर ना कहो , बोलती ही नहीं !


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बंता : यह चाकू क्यों उबाल रहे हो ?
संता : सुसाईड करने के लिए !
बंता : तो फिर उबालने की क्या ज़रुरत है ?
संता : कहीं इन्फेक्शन ना हो जाए !


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


Girl: Will u marry me?
संता : नो , हमारे यहाँ शादी सिर्फ RELATIVES में ही होती है ...
मम्मी ने पापा से , दीदी ने जीजाजी से और भैया ने भाभी से शादी की !


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बंता पेड़ पे चढा तो ऊपर बैठे बन्दर ने पुछा : ऊपर क्यों आया है ?
बंता : Apple खाने !
बन्दर : ये तो आम का पेड़ है !
बंता : पता है , Apple साथ लाया हूँ !

चिंटू ने अपनी पत्नी पिंकी से पूछा - "पिंकी डार्लिंग मेरे रिश्तेदारों में तुम किसे सबसे ज्यादा चाहती हो ?"

पिंकी - "तुम्हारी सास को ."

A very shy young man (KhatriJi) goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice :

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TEN THOUSAND RUPEES FOR ONE NIGHT? THATS TOO MUCH!"

A Pakistani soldier ran up to a Lady in Burkha. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The lady agreed.

A moment later two Military Police from IRAQ ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The lady replied, 'He went that way.'

After the Military people ran off, the Pakistani soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq..'

The lady in burkha said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The lady replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls as well.... I don't want to go to Iraq either.!!

Brad Pitt and Vidya Balan get married
After marriage, lots of students gather at their home ..... why ???

...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
because her name becomes Vidya Pitt (vidyapeeth)

*************************************************************

rahul gandhi --> mom, aapaki wajah se meri shaadi nahi ho paaa rahi......... ......... ......... ......... ......

sonia gandhi --> kyun beta???????? ????????

rahul gandhi --> har taraf to likha hai ki sonia ko bahumat do


*************************************************************

BRUCE LEE was a great man

But after his sister gave birth to a baby he became an ordinary man...

why?

Because he became

MAMU LEE!


*************************************************************

santa and banta r discussing-- -------
santa----- "if i drink coffee, i ca'nt sleep!!!!"
Banta----- "with me it's the opposite.if i sleep i can't drink coffee."



*************************************************************

One day Ravan went to a disco....... ......... ......... ..

aur wahan jaakar woh behosh ho gaya ............ .......

kyun???????? ????????? ??

kyun???????? ??????
..
..
..
..
bcoz it was written on the gate that "entry fee Rs.1500 per head"

*************************************************************

who made Ganesh to Anesh...????

ThinK......


Think......


okay.....

" KAILASH KHER "

tere naam se " G " loon....


*************************************************************

Ek din ek aadmi apne naukar ko Priya Gold biscuit laane bolta hai. To
naukar biscuit laane Pakistan jaata hai.
Kyon??????


Think....... ......


Give up??


Coz...
"Priya Gold biscuit. Haq se maango.."

*************************************************************

Ek nadi thi......
uske upar ek pull bana hua tha.....
pull par bahut saari ladkiyan khadi thi......
sab ki sab ek hi ladke ki deewani thi.....
Guess who was the lucky guy??????
.........
........
..........

Keep Guessing.... ..
........
........
........

Chalo yaar....the answer is


"KISNA"
Jo hai albela mad naino wala...
jiski diwani BRIDGE ki har bala.....
woh kisna hai


*************************************************************

if a CAT crosses ur way,

when u are going some where,

then what does it mean????????


?????????

?????????

?????????

?

?

?

it means that the Cat is also going somewhere.

*************************************************************

AND FINALLY THE LAST ONE

*************************************************************


Why are Indian husbands called "MADE OF SILVER"

And

Why are American husbands called "MADE OF GOLD"


Socho

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Thoda sur Socho

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Socho Socho....

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Nahi Aata
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Bcoz

Indian wives call their husband "A g" ( Scientific Symbol for Silver)

American wives call their husband "A u" ( Scientific Symbol for Gold)

Interviewer: What is skeleton?
Santa: Skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it....!!!

************************************************************


जेलर : तुम्हे कल सुबह 5 बजे फाँसी दी जायेगी !
सरदार : हा हा हा हा !
जेलर : क्यों हँस रहे हो ?
सरदार : मैं तो उठता ही सुबह 9 बजे हूँ !

************************************************************

Teacher: Translate - बाज़ार में गोलियां चल रही हैं !
संता : The Tablets are walking in the market..

************************************************************

Santa's girfriend: मेरी माँ आपको बहुत पसंद करती है !
Santa, after a deep thought: कुछ भी हो जाये , शादी तो मैं तुझसे ही करूँगा !

************************************************************

Shopkeeper: This sweater's made of pure virgin wool sir.
Santa: You see I am not interested in the morals of the sheep. Just tell me, will it keep me warm?


************************************************************

संता : Why has the Govt. fixed voting age 18yrs & marriage age 21yrs?
बंता : Govt. को पता है की देश संभालना आसान है , लेकिन बीवी को नहीं .

************************************************************

संता बड़ा दुखी था , किसी ने पूछा इतनी टेंशन में क्यों हो ?
संता : एक दोस्त को 3 लाख प्लास्टिक सर्जरी के लिए दिए थे, अब उसे पहचान नहीं पा रहा हूँ !


************************************************************

Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver u this packet.
Santa: Why did u come so far. Instead U could have posted it.

************************************************************

Why did Santa sleep with a scale?
Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept.

************************************************************

ड्राईवर : सर जी , पेट्रोल ख़तम हो गया , गाडी आगे नहीं जा सकती .
बंता :-चलो फिर , वापिस ले चलो ..

************************************************************

संता : वो देख तेरी बीवी को सांप काट रहा है !
बंता : अरे टेंशन मत ले , जहर भरवाने आया होगा ...

************************************************************

Santa bought a car on loan.... He didn't pay the dues, the bank took away his car.
Santa: If I knew this, I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also!

A Lady Teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked,'Boy. What is your problem?'

Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'

Madam took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his Questions he had to go back to the first-grade. Madam agreed.

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.'

Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions'.

'Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.

Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?
Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'

Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

Boy.: 'Pockets.'

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer..

Boy.: Shake hands

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Fire truck

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, likes pumping, and is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

'Send this Boy to 10th Grade'

I got the last ten questions wrong myself...... ....!!!!! !!!!'

हवलदार - जेल से बाहर निकलके तुम क्या करोगे ?
चोर - अब मैं गहनों की दूकान खोलूँगा !
हवलदार - लेकिन उसके लिए तो बहुत पैसे चाहिए होंगे ?
चोर - नहीं भाई, सिर्फ छेनी और हथोडा चाहिए !

रावण : सिगरेट है क्या ?
हनुमान : नहीं !
राम : 1 पैकेट है ना तेरे पास !
हनुमान : चुप रहिये प्रभु , साले के 10 सर है पूरा पैकेट ख़त्म हो जायेगा !

एक मछ्छर का बच्चा था ! माँ ने उससे कहा - बच्चा अब तुझे उड़ना आ गया है .. जा अब तू खुद बा खुद उड़ना शुरू कर दे समझा !

मछ्छर का वो बच्चा पहली बार स्वयं उड़ कर एक छोटा सा चक्कर लगा आया !

जब लौटा , सब बेसब्री से उसका इन्तेजार कर ही रहे थे ! सबने मिलकर पूछा : क्यों रे चिंटू , कैसी रही तेरी पहली उडान ?

बच्चा छाती फुला कर बोला - SUPERB.....मैं जहां जहां से गुजरा लोग तालियाँ ही बजाते रहे !

बेटा : पापा मेरी दूर की नज़र कमज़ोर हो गयी है मुझे एक चश्मा ला दो !
कंजूस बाप बेटे को बाहर ले कर आया और बोला : वो क्या है बेटा?
बेटा : सूरज !
बाप : और कितना दूर देखेगा कुत्ते

1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that

2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!

3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...

4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true

5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.

6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..

7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.

8. Theory of relativity.. ....

The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...

9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)

Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1

Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)

10. the day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-

1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3.Have a bad hair day

11. all the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck.

12. the more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u

13. the love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.

Once a girl is quite fantasized about "69". She has a regular

boyfriend they

have never done it before.

One day she invites her boyfriend to her apartment for romantic

dinner.



After heavy dinner, she tells him that she wants to do "69".

But the Boyfriend doesn't have any idea about what is 69.

Girlfriend gets upset but thinks that she can teach him how to do

69.

she asks him to lay down...and she then lays on top of him in

reverse direction so as in 69.

The boyfriend is confused but is eager to know about 69. so he does

as

the

GF tells him to do.



they lay down in this position for about 2 min. she is thinking

that He

will, by the time, get excited by this.

but suddenly the GF has to let go one Fart...directly on her BF's

face.

GF quickly apologizes and asks him to stay in that position for

some

more

time.



after 1 min she has to let go one another fart....this time bigger

than



the

previous.

The BF quickly throws her away, gets up, starts dressing up and

yells

at

her..





"If you think I am gonna take 67 more like this, you are MAD"

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.


"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."


"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"


The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."

Santa selling parachute, tells the customer "jump from plane n press button & you can land safely."

CUSTOMER: if it doesn't open????

SARDAR : PAISA WAPAS.......

**********

santa is walking along the road. He sees a banana peel. What does he think??

"UFF, Aj phir girna padega!!"


Then next day he is walking along the road, he sees two banana peels. What does he think??????? ?

"Ispe se giru, ya uspe se????"

Then the day after that he sees a lot of banana peels on the road. So he calls home and tells his wife..

"AAj ghar late aaoonga!!"

**********

After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.

Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.

When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.

Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.

Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

**********

Bush: Impossible does not come in my dictionary.. .

Santa: Phir dictionary dhek ke kharidni chahiye thi na. .

**********

ekbar light gai hui thi.

SANTA : arre Banta bahuat garmi ho rahi hai, zara pankha lagana..

BANTA : kardi na sardaronwali baat!! pankha lagaya to moombatti bujh na jayegi??

**********

Customer: Is mirror ki guarantee kya hai?

Santa : It is 99% safe.! 100 feet se fenkoge to 99 feet tak kuchh nahi hoga"!

**********

Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?

Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.

Teacher : Spell it?

Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

**********

Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"

Banta : How do you know??

Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have come again..

**********

Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.

Police : How the theif did not take TV???

Santa : I was watching TV na....

**********

Thought for the Day!!!

If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?

Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM

**********

When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?

Answer : On their Wedding !!

**********

Whats the height of Intelligence?

Answer : A 99 year old Santa going for HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme ..

एक आदमी ने अपने घर फोन किया तो उधर से एक अनजान महिला की आवाज आई।
''कौन ?'' - आदमी ने पूछा।
''मैं घर की नौकरानी बोल रही हूं ।'' - महिला ने उत्तर दिया।
''लेकिन हमारे घर में तो कोई नौकरानी नहीं है।'' - आदमी ने कहा।
''मुझे घर की मालकिन ने आज सुबह ही नौकरी पर रखा है ।'' नौकरानी ने जवाब दिया।
''अच्छा ठीक है, सुनो। इस वक्त तुम्हारी मालकिन कहां हैं ? मुझे उनसे बात करनी है।'' - आदमी ने कहा ।
''वह तो बेडरूम में हैं। अपने पति के साथ।'' - नौकरानी ने जवाब दिया।
''क्याऽऽऽ... ? पति के साथ...... ? पर उसका पति तो मैं हूं ........ '' - आदमी गुस्से से भन्ना गया। उसने एक मिनट कुछ सोचा फिर बोला - ''हैलो ..... सुनो क्या तुम पचास हजार रूपये कमाना चाहोगी?''
''हां... । पर मुझे करना क्या होगा ?'' - नौकरानी ने पूछा ।
''तुम मेरी अलमारी से बंदूक निकालो और उस कुतिया और उसके साथ जो आदमी है उसे गोली से उड़ा दो।''
नौकरानी ने फोन नीचे रख दिया। आदमी ने पहले कदमों की और फिर दो गोलियां चलने की आवाज फोन पर सुनी।
नौकरानी ने वापस फोन उठाया और पूछा - ''अब इन लाशों का क्या करूं ?''
''उन्हें स्वीमिंग पूल में डाल दो।'' - आदमी ने कहा ।
''पर आपके घर में तो स्वीमिंग पूल नहीं है।'' - नौकरानी ने जवाब दिया।
लगभग तीन चार मिनट तक दोनों तरफ खामोशी छाई रही फिर आदमी की आवाज आई - ''क्या ये नम्बर 2234595 ही है ?''